Musings Postwar
by Apara
Summary: Some of Harry's thoughts about a year after Voldy was defeated. Does not make Dumbledore look good..... written before HBP.


Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Harry Potter books, J.K. Rowling does.

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Had it been worth it? Had the price been worth the exchange? Of course it had, he couldn't doubt that, even if he doubted so much else; their deaths had not been in vain. But that didn't make their loss any easier to bear. He saw their smiles everyday, heard their praise, felt all the hands clasping his in wordless thanks and awe. But he could not find it in himself to rejoice. The ones that should have been there, the ones that should have been sharing the victory with him were not there. He felt the loss like a missing limb, a part of his soul snuffed out forever. It hurt to see others congratulate him, not caring about what he had lost. Not even Dumbledore could hide his elation; bloodied and aching from the loss but victorious was how he was found and Dumbledore, the man who was legendary for his grasp of human emotions, had smiled proudly and told him "Well done". He had seen them die but all he could look at was the prize won, not the price it had cost to win it. It had been for the greater good of all, there were always casualties in war, you did not get to choose who were casualties and who were not. But then why not? He had worked so hard to manipulate events and people for this one thing and to have seen it come about must have been invigorating for the old man. He was a master at his trade; who could say how many people, how many events, Dumbledore had manipulated for his own ends. Behind that kindly and eccentric facade was the cool calculating mind of an old spider (or perhaps a Slytherin?), he himself had seen the man change his colors on more than one occasion, hadn't Dumbledore himself said that he would not have been satisfied with just Voldemort's death? For someone so knowledgeable and powerful a spell, a potion, worse by far than Crucio would be an easy thing. What about the way he manipulated those loyal to him? Like Snape, the man was a puppet, controlled by his guilt and loyalty to Dumbledore; had it been fair of Dumbledore to use him to spy like that? He may have done some horrible things in the past but the punishment for being caught would, by far, exceed that deserved. And what of Hagrid, he had been more devoted than a dog. The missions that Dumbledore sent him on were practically suicidal. While you could count on him to stand by you to the bitter end, he was not suited for top secret plans. How he managed to stay alive so long was a miracle.What would things be like if Dumbledore had tried to manipulate Voldemort while he was still in school? Would there still be a Dark Lord? Or was it because of his manipulating that there was a Dark Lord? What of Sybll Trelawney? Kept ignorant of her own importance she still taught Divination at Hogwarts, oblivious of the monumental role she played. If she had never given that prophecy, if no had heard it, if Voldemort had heard the whole thing, what would life be like? Would Harry still be "The Boy Who Lived"? Would he still be an orphan? Would he even be alive? The possible maybers that could have been if one event were altered were too much to think on. All he could think of was how he envied the blissfully unaware Professor.

A wet nose brought him out of his musings and he walked over to the cupboard to get the dog food for Fang. He frowned at the level of dog food left; he would have to leave his secluded mountain to venture into the Muggle world to restock on supplies. He would not go as Harry Potter though, lest some witch of wizard recognize him, not, he would go as John Andersen, just an average, everyday Muggle. He would also have to find some ferrets for Buckbeak since the Hippogriff refused to leave Harry to hunt for himself.

Later in the evening as he sat outside with one hand absently petting Fang and watching the night sky he felt the pain recede a bit. Life would never be the same, he would always feel that bone-aching sense of loss, but perhaps in time it would dull, maybe fade away so he would think of it only on rare occasions. He needed this, to be alone and isolated from the world where no one, not even Dumbledore, knew where he was. He could finally move on, finally be out of the spotlight. He could be Harry, not "The Boy Who Lived", nor "Famous Harry Potter", not even "The Savior", just Harry for once in his life. It hurt now, it was hard to get past the pain but perhaps things would be better. Perhaps he could move on, looking at the night sky with companions that did not care if he was famous or not, he could feel it as a certainty. He could feel the weight that he had been carrying for eight years begin to crumble. Maybe, just maybe, he could hope for peace and happiness again.

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What did you think? Was it any good at all? Btw, I know I'm a hypocrite so shut it give me reviews! NOW! And read my other story and review it too! If you don't review I won't post the story about the Giant Squid! So review NOW!

Apara


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